Getting over the hurdle

     Working. Out. Those two words were my favorite just six months ago, but school and overall laziness put those words at the bottom of my to-do list. Sadly that has resulted in my body losing the muscle and endurance I worked hard for over the summer months. And when I have been trying to get back into working out for the past few months, I have grown frustrated that I can't do the same things as I could before. So for awhile I let the embarrassment and the shame keep me from starting fresh. But today marks the day I begin my fitness journey again. I know it will be hard, but it was before and it always will be if I don't stay consistent.
     I'm going to college after this summer and that while that means so many things, it also means a new beginning: fitness wise but more importantly life wise. I stopped placing my health in pounds and rather in how I felt after I grew to love the body I have. And even though I can honestly say I have never loved my body more, I still want to get better and stronger. I believe in the mind and body power of exercise: unhappiness fades away while energy and spirit flows throughout one's body. I also just want to be physically strong and as healthy as I can be so that I can live the life I want. So for those reasons I am getting back at it with fitness.
     Another obstacle I have faced is my vegetarianism. I will most likely do a post about being a vegetarian and my experiences with it, but for now I will just say that it is has been a good decision for me. Even though I am not fully a vegan, I try to eat as many vegan meals as possible. They are baby steps so I can get into the right physical and mental state in order to become a vegan: a huge goal for me. It's not that I think it will be extremely difficult to transition into veganism, but I want to make sure my health is in tip top shape first.
     I will try to document my journey back onto the fitness path as much as possible but for now I'm easing into it and just being optimistic. If you are trying to pick up where you left off, remember that this is a fresh start and what was in the past is in the past so work your little booty off in the present. I don't think any of us will regret it.

Words of Wisdom

So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

-Christopher McCandless

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

- Maya Angelou 

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

- Mahatma Gandhi

The worst things in life come free to us

- Ed Sheeran 


Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

-Buddha


You deserve love and you'll get it. 

-Amy Poehler 

A few months ago... everything was black

Black is my warmest color 

It’s what I see when I cry 

It’s the only thing there

Black 

The problem with crying secretly is 

You want people to know you’re crying 

But then they don’t 

And you cry harder 

And your mouth opens wide 

To prepare for that scream in your head 

To come out into the wide open world

But it doesn’t

I think I just want someone to hear my scream

Without me making a noise 

My mind is always screaming

Because I’m not who I’m told to be 

I’m nothing like they think I am

Nothing 

Yet I’m the one who’s wrong 

And that’s why I cry so much and why I’m crying now 

When will it stop?

When does the black fade into light?

I just don’t know right now 

Darkness envelops my minds when I let it

Which is much too often 

The black 

Never ends

14 pieces

*Before I say anything, I was inspired by my friend Christy to write this piece. Credit is due to her.  Thank you bby

14 Nuggets of Wisdom I learned in 2014 

1. Wondering what could have been is more painful than rejection. 
2. People are rarely what others say they are. Preconceived ideas of a person are usually complete bullshit. People will always prove you wrong. Which is good and bad.
3. Time is not a true testament to how well somebody knows you. 
4. Biological family members you have known for your whole life can be strangers. You can choose a real family. 
5. Always have dance parties in your room with friends or alone.  
6. You don't always have to kill them with kindness. Say what you want to say and stand up for yourself. That doesn't make you any less of a nice person. 
7. There's no reason not to be a feminist.   
8. Mix tapes are still cool.
9. Bathes are not gross. They have the power to make you feel sexy, clean, and relaxed all at once. 
10. Yoga has crazy cool powers to the mind and body.
11. It's hard to escape what's haunting you when they live in the same house as you. But it's not impossible. Keep it up and you will be free soon.
12. My body is beautiful, strong, and powerful. Stretch marks, warts, moles and all. It's mine and it does incredible things for me. Also stretch marks are cool. 
13. Being a dreamer is so much better than being a realist. Dream forever. 
14. Your mind is everything. 

2015: Still Under Construction

     It doesn't feel any different. And I don't know if it should. The past is the past. But we shouldn't wait till one day to put that all behind us. Or count the days till we are going to start living a new and better life. I used to always write down resolutions on a pad of paper or in my phone, but this year I didn't and I'm glad. Nobody needs to wait around for a day to come where they can start from scratch. That can be any day, time, and place. It doesn't need to be when the clock strikes 12 and that silly ball drops in Times Square. Of course celebration is important. But nothing will change for you on January 1st... unless you do. You have the opportunity to pick up those weights, read that book, and love yourself every day you are granted with life. I thank the universe every single morning and night for I have been graced with another day on beautiful Earth. But before now, I lost sight of what I was thanking the universe for.
     For a short time, I woke up so excited for the day because of a guy. And once that was no more... I lost my sense of priorities... my sense of happiness. What was I dependent on for the smile on my face? Another person that barely knows me? Yes. It felt so good, but it wasn't forever and I couldn't do much about it. Was I excited for a new day when I didnt love myself? No. Not by a long shot.
     It wasn't just the boy. It was family. It was friends. It was school. It was all I had. What I had clung to was escaping my grasp just like that. It was all crashing down at once. But a lot of it was out of my hands.  I couldn't dwell on it. Not if I wanted to get out of this hole that was dug for me. I had to be selfish. I had to allow myself to be my first and only priority. To be better. To stop going through the motions. To live. It took me a while to get there; focusing in on what I want to do but I'm here. And I'm proud of that.
     There are still blocks in my road. Specifically people, pressures, and self-doubt but I will no longer allow for the bullshit. From anybody. And since I have started this attitude, I have received some pretty shitty responses. But I want these people to know, that I care. Boy do I care so much, but there comes a point where no matter what you do, what you say, or how you say it... people will continue to hurt you. Because they are so unhappy with themselves. And that is truly out of your control. You cannot fix everything or everyone. You can fix yourself. I am fixing myself. I think I'll always call myself a work in progress... but doesn't everyone? Or should I say.. shouldn't everyone? Those souls that try to suck the happiness out from under happy individuals truly upset me, but I sympathize with them at the same time. Happiness does not come easy sometimes, but man is it worth it. I promise to myself that I will not to lose that again.